LMFAO

Thanks to Facebook I know which old friend is preoccupied with large breasts. I know which old friend wants to subliminally interest me in buying a protein drink that he references in every other Facebook post. Thanks to Facebook I can remember what it was like to live in a town I was glad to leave during a time period I am glad ended when it did. Bravo, Facebook: now I can rest easy with the knowledge that everyone I know is ‘liked’ by everyone else, even when the stories, comments and photos they post online aren’t necessarily very likable. Thanks to Facebook I have learned how easy it is to be a narcissist without the fear of anyone ever calling you one. I’ve come to appreciate the easy, seamless way in which people can turn comments about others into comments about themselves. A dream come true for many! What’s more, those who are socially inept and psychologically damaged can use Facebook to promote their ineptitude and damage without so much as a single expression of concern by people who should by rights be concerned. I'm certain they wouldn't want that--and with Facebook they don't get it. With Facebook I can know which of my friends or relatives are having personal fights (yes, personal) with other friends or relatives simply by the number of comments that don’t appear. I know who’s shunning who, who’s schmoozing who, and who’s ignoring the fact that they were once mocked and scorned by the same people who are now their best friends, even though those best friends are people they will never visit, talk to, appreciate, or learn more about. Thanks to Facebook I can discover not only what my friends ate for dinner last night, but I can see pictures of it, too. Thanks to Facebook I can instantly recognize who is gullible, prejudiced, intolerant and insensitive. I know who’s more like Paul McCartney than George Harrison, and I’m sure I can use that information to good advantage. Just don’t ask me how. Facebook, through the acronyms common to most social media platforms and email, made expletives perfectly acceptable and turns ‘Friend’ into the most meaningless word in the world. Facebook is my first-class window onto the destruction of the English language. The site is a tremendous personal wake-up call, too, as evidenced by my recent experience asking two sweet, pretty college friends with whom I shared close relationships to 'Friend me' only to receive messages back asking who I was. But maybe that’s not such a surprise. Perhaps I don’t really exist. After all, rarely do I post my face or the faces of my family on Facebook. I keep my preoccupations and political persuasions to myself. I prefer to live in my current town in the current year and try to make the most of my current life. I don’t respond to other people’s posts by trying to make them about me. It took social media to turn me into a social outcast.