Affairs to Remember

Let me get this straight. You're having a catered affair, a celebration of some sort, where friends and relatives you haven’t seen in years are as anxious to catch up on your life as you are to catch up on theirs. And then, when everyone is assembled in the catering hall, the lights are so dim and the music so loud that you can’t even hear someone telling you that there’s a long piece of toilet paper trailing your left shoe.

I'd like to know who decided that a thousand decibels traveling at high speed in a room that not only vibrates like an earthquake but is also bathed in seizure inducing bursts of color is more important than two old friends sitting side by side having a pleasant little chat.

And that’s just one of dozens of instances where keeping up with the Joneses, in terms of planning parties, means shouting at the top of your lungs to say hello and tripping over someone’s elderly aunt on the  way to the bar.

What law says that you have to have a poster-sized photo of the guest of honor on which everyone can write something they'll regret one day? And why do parties have to have themes? Weddings are weddings, not rodeos. Bar mitzvahs are bar mitzvahs, not missions to outer space. Who’s at the party anyway—Martians? What are people thinking? People! Can’t live with them, can’t live without them. They should not be given too much responsibility. They only make things worse. For heaven’s sake, we already know that many of our old friends go bald, lose jobs, gain weight and get divorced, so where is the logic in holding an anniversary party where high school photographs of everyone who's there are circulated for all to see? Do we really have to be reminded that they all once had hair, didn't have to work, weighed less than a truck and weren't even allowed to get married?

As far as parties are concerned, we should stop trying to keep up with the Joneses and return to basics. After all, the Joneses might not even be human.